It’s Okay To Not Love Your Pregnancy

It’s taken me an extremely long time to wanna write this. I’ve tried for a year now to muster up the courage to even begin this because I have been afraid of the backlash I could receive. This is a post where I’m about to be as real and as raw as I could be. My husband has told me this was something that I need to write because I could help someone and not even know it by doing so. So, here we go…

As most of you know, Gracelyn is my last baby. I was always dead set that I would have two kids. Two hands, two kids. Apparently, that was not in the cards for me. Shortly after Gio turned 1, I began noticing certain things. I felt weird, extremely tired and every time he nursed I wanted to scream from the pain. I thought I was pregnant but quickly shook it from my mind as we weren’t really trying to get pregnant so no way that could be. I missed my period and again thought no way. Days went by and still no visit from Mother Nature so I figured why not. I’ll just go get a dollar store test and see that I’m acting crazy. Until the two lines showed up.

I sat in the bathroom holding that pregnancy test and crying. I called my husband at work and told him and he told me it was gonna be okay and laughed when i said we couldn’t afford another baby. His response was, well we can’t even afford ourselves. I called my OBGYN to schedule the official test through them so that they could confirm pregnancy. We agreed not to tell anyone just yet. About a week later, the midwife walked in and said “congratulations you’re gonna have another baby” and i just stared at her. She asked if I was happy and I said “not really” and she left the room. My husband then told me it would be okay and that things would work out.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we told friends and family with some mixed reactions. Some were happy for us while others plainly said that it was too soon after Giovanni. I quickly would chime in with I know and I’m not happy. I wasn’t. I didn’t get overjoyed by the fact that I was bringing a baby into this world. I wanted to enjoy being home with my son. I wanted to watch him grow and develop a relationship with his older sister. I didn’t want two in diapers or two under two. But, I always felt selfish because my husband was this baby’s father and well, he wanted to have another.

My marriage suffered hard those first few months. I was depressed and had no desire to take care of myself. I barely washed my hair to the point that I created a knot in it and had to cut it out. My beautiful long hair was gone in an instant because I was so unhappy. I snapped at my husband all the time and would nap with my son every chance I could get. I went to appointments and felt like I was going through the motions. As I got further into the pregnancy, I knew I was having a girl. I just knew it.

We moved out of my parents house and into our own apartment a couple weeks prior to finding out the gender of the baby. I sat in what would be the baby’s nursery and prayed. I prayed like I had never prayed before. For God to take away this feeling and to bring me peace over the situation. I NEVER once felt like I didn’t love the baby. I just didn’t want to have another one. Let me say that again, I LOVED THE BABY. I just wasn’t ready to bring another baby into the world so soon. Once we found out that we were having a girl, something happened. I felt different. I was a little more excited for all the bows, dresses and matching outfits with her sister.

From 18 weeks on, I started to become more attached to the growing life inside me. I loved watching Giovanni fall asleep with his head on my belly and feel his sister kick me. I loved having Adylee kiss my belly and say “hi sissy.” Something just changed instantly. My husband and I fought over her name constantly. I wanted Everly Rose and he wanted ANYTHING but that. As I entered the third trimester, the baby still had no name. I was so set that she needed one immediately because I had spent so much time detached that I felt naming her would somehow solidify the growing bond.

One night, my husband came home from work and I told him the baby needed a name TODAY! We sat down after dinner going through every single name and I kept saying Everly while he kept saying no. Finally he asked me if there was a name in my family and I told him that my mom had always wanted me to name my daughter after my grandmother who passed away when I was a newborn. Her name was Grace. He then said that my mother and my sister were two very important people in my life so why not add their middle name. Gracelyn was born.

I spent a lot of time in her nursery, praying over my feelings towards this pregnancy and praying over her. I felt so guilty for not loving being pregnant and I also felt like I had robbed Giovanni of his time alone with me. We thoroughly enjoyed our cuddle sessions and weekly trips to Target and Starbucks. How was I going to do that with two? I just couldn’t imagine it.

Pregnancy did not love me back and Gracelyn sat extremely low on my pelvis and caused all sorts of pain all the time. Standing for long periods of time, walking, anything that put pressure on my pelvis area was just a no. I also was nauseous and throwing up every single day to the point that I wondered if it would ever stop. I was sick all the way up to the day I went into the hospital to give birth to her. I begged to be induced and one of the silver linings was that I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (I had it with Giovanni too) so they could induce me as early as 39 weeks. I jumped at that offer because I couldn’t take the pressure anymore.

Gracelyn was born on January 7, 2019 at 4:00 in the afternoon and my world stopped. Not because of anything bad, but because I had this brand new baby girl who depended on me and needed me. What I didn’t know throughout the 9 months I spent hating being pregnancy was that, I needed her too. I recently saw a quote that said, “you can not love your pregnancy yet still love your baby” and it hit me. That is exactly what happened with Gracelyn and I am so sad that it happened but the bond that I have created with Gracelyn is unreal.

Gracelyn is 2 now and it’s been one whirlwind of a ride with her but oh my, I wouldn’t change a thing. My spunky, sassy, little spit fire has completed our family and I am so thankful that she did. I am thankful to God for knowing that we needed her. It’s okay to feel upset that you are bringing another baby into this world, it’s okay to not love every single minute of being pregnant, it’s okay to feel anxiety towards this change that is about to happen. Your feelings are just that….your own, don’t ever let anyone tell you any different.